DIFFERENCE

When considering how to change something, or how to come up with a better idea, sometimes we let our fears govern our decisions. Rather than challenging the validity of those fears, we accept the boundaries set by them, and end up confining our search to a narrow range of possibility.

It’s like the person who looks for their keys under a streetlight because they are afraid of the dark. Maybe, we confine our search to a narrow range because it’s more easily acceptable to colleagues, bosses and others, or we confine ourselves to places inhabited by people “like us,” or people we already know. Maybe, we put too much emphasis on being respected and shy away from the uncomfortable.

It’s not easy to accept differences. And even though I believe strongly in tolerance, I would like to say something today about the downside of the special treatment of difference.

Treating difference as separate can sometimes be a hazardous place, because all of us have experienced some failure in the mainstream of life. We are all “different” in some way, and most of us undoubtedly wish we were just “normal.” In an ideal world, putting people with similar differences in one place should create an environment of acceptance. Unfortunately, it often does not. Life does not usually turn out like The Mighty Ducks, in which a group of outcasts, all losers by some conventional definition, come together and find their strengths under the guidance of a kindly coach.

As young man, I often experienced children with psychological and learning disabilities when I would volunteer at the Eastern State Mental School and Hospital in Pennsylvania. What I learned from those “different” children is that kids with learning disabilities and children who are overweight are teased incessantly. Almost without exception, all of these children were excluded from the most popular groups or had to listen to denigrating comments. As a result, their ability to trust other children was corroded. They could not imagine an environment where they could feel safe.

I believed, deep down, that Eastern State would be able to help these kids with their difference, but what I observed was different and changed my understanding of difference forever. What the majority of these kids, not adults, not therapists, not volunteers did was create a peer environment where they, at least, were on the strong side of the teasing. What I observed was if they could, they would find one child from among them, who was more different than they were; they would all go after h/her, shaming h/her and pointing out h/her differences. The subtext was, “not us.” All of a sudden the children doing the teasing were in charge of what was mainstream. No matter how different anyone is, when compared to others, if the group can find a scapegoat onto whom they can project all of their inadequacies, they feel better.

The process is human. It operates to a small extent in all human groups, though rarely does it focus exclusively on one person of difference. In fact, the activity of tormenting people who are different…different on many levels can be part of what makes those who do the tormenting, feel okay about themselves and their own troubles. It’s also part of what holds some groups together. They can experience those who attack their autonomy and resist those people who try to appeal to their reason.

It’s a tricky situation, isn’t it? We don’t want to buy into the idea that everyone has to be exactly the same. It may mean we need to look beyond obvious choices. It may mean not just finding the right puzzle piece to match the problem at hand. It may mean working on both sides of difference.